Be Careful What You Wish For II

So we are now beginning chapter 274908 of the Build The Twins A New Stadium saga. For those who don't know, but for some reason care, the county that Minneapolis is part of (Hennepin County) is likely to have a .15 sales tax increase to fund the Twins an outdoor stadium. Click here for the story. Here is my take on the deal:

1. The seven Hennepin County commissioners will decide if this stadium funding bill will pass. There will be no general election by we the people of Hennepin County on this tax hike (which translates into three cents for every $20 spent). I for one am not opposed to the fact that we don't vote on this, even though I am opposed to this tax money going to the Twins and not cops, teachers, kids, health care, libraries... But so it goes in a representative government.

Our commissioner is Peter McLaughlin and it looks like he'll support this tax. Something to remember that when he's up for re-election; but we can't expect a county-wide vote each time the commissioners vote on something we dissapprove of.

2. For this stadium bill to pass, our governor, Tim Pawlenty will ultimately have to sign off on it. It will be interesting to see how Mr. No Taxes will spin this one, because there is no way in hell he's going to veto this bill. He'd rather be known for breaking his NO TAXES pledge and put the screws to one county (even if its the most populous county in Minnesota), than being known as the governor who killed the Twins new stadium deal.

3. The Twins will pony up $125 million for a stadium that will ultimately cost $478 million to bill. This is, amazingly, as sweet an offer we can expect from Carl Pohlad, the Twins owner. Lost in all this is the fact that the Twins get all the money for the naming rights. We pay for more than have of this millionaire's new stadium, and he sucks up all the profits. It's good to be the king isn't it, Carl Pohlad?

4. But there is one more important part about the whole stadium deal that has also been lost in the shuffle. Has anyone parked in the parking lot behind the Target Center that is the proposed site for the new stadium? If you have, did you notice the huge garbage incinerator right by it? Have you parked there when it is giving off the ripe odor of trash? It doesn't happen very often, but when it does, you want to get away from that parking lot as soon as possible. The last thing you think, "This would be a nice place to have a beer and watch a baseball game for three hours."

So imagine the dog days of August, with a hot wind from the west blowing the scent of the garbage incinerator into the stadium. You'd better pray for a pitcher's duel. Like I said above, be careful what you wish for. Suddenly that OPEN AIR stadium idea stinks.

And I thought it might be annoying to hear the trains blast by you at Safeco in Seattle. I'd take a bleeding eardum over spending $20 to smell buring trash for nine innings

Vast WRight Wing Conspiracy

This story is older than my wild turkey story, but I've been meaning to tell it for awhile. It goes all the way back to Opening Day. On Opening Day, as any other day, I took the dog for his walk so he could piss on every tree between Lake Street and the Ford Bridge. We walked past many sidewalks decorated with sidewalk chalk. Those crazy kids. But one sidewalk artist's work caught my eye. What was notable about this house is the yard had the a "NO WAR IN IRAQ" sign in its yard. This was in stark contrast to the big "W"s that the kids who lived there had drawn all over their sidewalk. At first I was a bit perplexed.

But these were cursive W's. Not the bold, print W the GOP uses to market its George Bush product. More like the cursive W found on the Washington Nationals hat. It turns out those kids were crazed baseball fans, not Bush fans!

But this got me to thinking. Why did the Nationals choose to put a W on their hat instead of an N? Sure it's hard to make an N look as cool as a W, and at best it was a 50/50 chance the owners would choose an N over W.

But I say it runs deeper than that. I say the owners, who are surely fat cat GOPs, chose their hat design wisely. Now they've tricked a bunch of Beltway Democrats into proudly walking around DC in RED hats decorated with a big W.

Bill Clinton had it right all along about the vast right wing conspiracy. So I say all the progressive Nats fans trade in their newly minted W hats for a BLUE Durham bulls hat with the big D on front for Democrat. Actually fuck that. Fuck the Democrats. They aren't the solution to our nation's ills. They're about 25% of the problem. Instead, dye your Nats hats green and tell get the word out: the W stands for WELLSTONE!



Image from http://www.yellowstonemagic.com


To quote Fred Willard from This Is Spinal Tap, "I'm joking of course."

Bob Vila of the Compost World

Yesterday, for the first time in my life, I built something from scratch. In fifth grade I built a plant box for my mom, but that was from a kit. Anything we buy that reqires assembly, Emily does. I am sad excuse for a manly man, I know.

But yesterday I built a holding cell for our compost. We already have one, but we bought that one. It's too small and doesn't ventilate, so we needed a second one. So I got some chicken wire, two posts, and hooked the chicken wire to the posts and the backyard fence with bailing wire. It's very ugly. But the good news is, even Bob Vila can't make a compost pile look good, if he is only allowed to use the rudimentary supplies I used.

Next up: how to hang a picture.

Jackassalope Food Review

This weekend Emily and I did some fine dining. Friday night we went to The Craftsman, on 43rd Avenue and Lake Street. Many moons ago I blogged about the loss of Molly Quinn's an Irish bar in our neighborhood that was evicted by a greedy landlord. Well, Molly Quinn's moved down the street and The Craftsman is now in its old space. And they imporved tbhe ambiance of the place tenfold. So all's well that ends well. Anyway, we had smoked salmon appetizer and I had a flank steak. Emily had a fish that resembled a snapper. I can't remember the name of the fish, but I definitely had the better food. We'll go again. It is worth checking out. It's yet another business that makes me think our neighborhood will be a very hip place to live in a few years (when we'll be too old to be hip, not that I ever was hip).

Click here for a more thorough review.

Then on Saturday, Emily was watching the morning news to see the temperature, so she would how warmly to dress for her morning run. In the process she saw a story about a breakfast spot that makes creme brulee french toast. It turned out to be a coffee shop, Wilde Roast Cafe, but a coffee shop with some of the best damn breakfast food I've ever had. I had an egg quesadilla. We were really there for the creme brulee french toast, but they were sold out, due to the publicity on the TV I guess. They also have a dinner menu that looks awesome. I can't wait to go back.

Click here to see what you've been missing.

Home Improvements

I hope to slowly but surely add to the links on the left. But for now, take to time to check out the blogs Joolie Doolie and Ugly Juice. I'll add more later and update you as I do.

Nothing Brings the Neighborhood Like Wild Turkey

Well, no not that kind of turkey.

A few Saturdays ago I was working in the backyard when a swooping sound caught my attention. A shadow darkened the backyard and I looked up with my best Frodo-In-Danger in face, convinced that a ringwraith was coming to get me. I held out one of Poncho's nasty tennis balls as an offering, and prayed for Gandalf to save me. But then I realized it wasn't a ringwraith coming to get me at all.

It turns out it was a wild turkey. In our backyard. It ended up landing on the neighbor's roof. So I yelled into the house to get Emily outside. When she came out and I pointed out the turkey to her I realized we had an audience. There were a few grown-ups and a lot of kids in our alley following the path of the bird. Emily said, "Turkeys can't fly!" And some Marlin Perkins charachter in the alley let us know that wild turkeys can fly, Thanksgiving-bred turkeys cannot.

The turkey eventually left its perch and flew north. Apparently it kept flying north for about another five miles, because less than a week later, the following story appeared in the Minneapolis Star-Tribune:

Wild turkey checks out downtown living
April 8, 2005

"It's going to be 'Something Fowl at the Hennepin County Government Center,' right?"
That was the headline suggested by county spokeswoman LuAnn Schmaus after she and other government employees in downtown Minneapolis fielded calls Thursday morning about a wild turkey wandering the streets.

Unlike its four cousins in Golden Valley, which have been pecking car tires and being general nuisances, this bird was pretty mellow.

"It was resting on our north plaza, enjoying the sunlight and freaking people out," Schmaus reported dryly. "I didn't even go out and look. I see wild turkeys at my grandma's all the time, but I guess some people aren't used to seeing livestock."

Animal Control officers didn't respond, she said, "because they don't deal with wild turkeys."

Schmaus said that the turkey "not only visited our plaza, but it also went to the Pillsbury Plaza and walked around."

A passing police car's siren sent the bird running; it was last seen heading toward the Warehouse District along the light rail tracks.

"Maybe toward Marshall Field's," Schmaus added.

Click here for the link.

This Is Replacements Territory

The Twins ad campaigns have always been head and shoulders any other sports teams'. This year's This Is Twins Territory is no exception. My favorite ad shows a lady scrubbing the bathroom floor with what turns out to be a New York Yankees jersey. Here is a nice summary of the ad campaign from The Rake.


It ranges from aggressive, hectoring exhortations and calls to arms, to print ads that feature juxtapositions of Twins players with bits of regional iconography (Joe Mauer, crouching in his catcher’s gear, roasts a hot dog over a campfire, for instance, or Torii Hunter leaps from a dock to snare a fly ball). In one television spot a woman scrubs a bathroom floor with a Yankees jersey, and the legendary voice of Bill Woodson intones, “This is your state. This is your team. And this is Twins Territory.”

Click here for the whole story.

One of the greatest offshoots of this ad campaign can be found when listening to the Twins games on the radio, on WCCO. Whenever the game breaks to a commercial, you hear the familiar tag line "This is Twins territory." But this is followed with a clip from a Minnesota musician's song. It's pretty cool to be listening to a Twins game and suddenly hear Sugar, Prince, or The Replacements right before a commercial break.

You Can't Make It Up

Those of you who live in Minnesota are familiar with Michele Bachmann, the Republican state Senator from Stillwater. Those of you from outside of Minnesota can imagine. She's our state's right-wing nut who is pushing a ban on gay marraige. Even though her bill died in the senate before it could make it to a vote, she thought she'd check out last week's GLBT Rally at the state capitol.

But she decided to lurk behind a shrub and spy on the event. She got caught on film by some attendees.

Click here and scroll about half way down to see the pictures. Very dignified.

Take Me Out to the Train Yard

I've been listening to the Twins/Mariners games on the radio both right now and last night.

It is so very distracting to hear all the train whistles. There are train tracks that run right by the stadium. I can't imagine sitting in the right field bleachers and having to hear a freaking train horn every half hour. It's loud enough on the radio, it must make eardrums bleed in person.

It doesn't seem to be bothering the Twins. They just turned a double-play for the third time this game to bail out Carlos Silva. Silva has had only two fly outs. When he's hot, he is the master of the ground out.

WIN TWINS!!!

TPS Reports

When I first started working at my present job, five years ago, I was the only employee. It was just my boss and me. Now we have an office manager, another full-time therapist, and two part-timers. We're a freaking speech therapy juggernaut (note to self: look up orgin of that word).

But that's not my point. My point is that now that we are a company of more than two people, many little hiccups are coming up becuase there are many ways to write reports, take therapy notes, keep track of insurance authorizations, stay up to date with this papertrail called NOMS, and well, you get the idea. So we need a universal way of doing things.

In the past, my boss and I muddled our way through our office work efficiently, and had unwritten understandings of how the work flows around the clinic. But it's not so easy anymore.

So, I have spent most of my downtime at work writing instructions (technical writing, if you will), devising a universal note taking system, writing procedures on how to evaluate and disharge people, and well it doesn't matter.

It is all so mind.... numbingly..... dull.

It makes me grateful that I work where I do. I cannot imagine 40 hours a week of a job defined memos, procedure manuals, and flowcharts. Becuase we all know how badly I'd fail. One thousand memos from 1000 bosses couldn't save me from screwing up my TPS reports. I'm too incompetent to work in an office. Thanks goodness there are jobs like mine that pay you to play with kids.

Be Careful What You Wish For

Last December at Mick Golden's birthday brunch I pitched the idea to a group of guys I was sitting with that we start Man Scouts. Why not have Boy Scouts for men? This was a joke of course. We nominated one guy's wife to be the Den Mother to make us Kool-Aid and cookie treats for all our Man Scouts meetings. She'd also need a minivan, of course, to drive us to all our neato field trips to the Ford F-150 Assembly Plant and minor league baseball games!!! And then we had to wonder how long it would take for the Ford assembly plant guys to kick our panise asses and the Man Scouts uniforms that went with them.

As an aside, someone asked why don't they have Girl Scouts for women? Mick Golden said, "They already do. It's called a book club." Funny stuff.

Anyway, I guess nothing and everything is new under the sun. My friend (we'll call him Zandypants) just sent me an e-mail informing there are all ready two Manscouts chapters in the country. But neither is like the Man Scouts I envisioned.

The first, there's Manscouts.org which appears to be more manly than anything I envisioned, and a little scary in a Fredonia sort of way.

And then there's http://www.manscouts.com which is scary in a Soddom and Gamorrah sort of way.

As Zandypants said in his e-mail, "Take your pick, but choose wisely, my young friends."

Win Twins?

This post is 48 hours past due and may seem a little like I'm jumping off the bandwagon. The Twins lost yesterday and are presently down 4-0 to the Seattle Mariners. But those of you who have been talking baseball with me know that I am very wary of the Twins chances this year.

Clearly I do not hold the local media's optomism or even the national media's.

Click here to see all the national ESPN types who like the Twins to win it all.

But I say there are too many question marks. You didn't see me shedding any tears when Christian Guzman left town, but he may become easier to miss if Jason Bartlett doesn't pan out. And Corey Koskie will be missed no matter how consistent Cuddeyer can get at third. And I think Luis Rivas' ninth life as a major league batter is about expire.

I also think Joe Mauer's injury is a lot more severe than anyone in the Twins organization is letting on. There are four, that's right FOUR, freaking catchers on the Twins roster. Why would you have that many cathchers, unless you fear a certain player is one bad turn while runnig the bases away from a season/career ending injury?

If the greenies in the infield play half as well on defense as last year's League of Nations, and if Joe Mauer and Joe Mays stay healthy all year, then I see the Twins winning the division. Making it to the World Series is a stretch.

But I see either an injury or an inexperienced infield causing the Twins to fall to second in the division and out of the playoffs.

Keep in mind, however, that I was convinvced once the Yankees got A-Rod they would be untouchable last year. So, what the hell do I know?

WIN TWINS!!!!

NO WAY!!!!!! I had to come back and add these last two sentences. The Twins just put together a seven run rally in the top of the fifth.

WIN TWINS!!!!

Our Attorney General Is Such An Ashcroft!

As we all know, most movies have quite a bit of dubbing to do when they are modified for TV release. So all the "fucks," "shits," and "assholes" shouted by the actors becomes "fudges," "shoots," and "faceoids."

However, the recently dubbed, rated G, release of Sideways used an unusual substitute for "asshole." "Ashcroft!" was dubbed in its place.

Maybe the dubbed release should be considered NC-17, not G.

Click here to read the full story. It's a quick, worthwhile read.